How To Forget You
by ttfoxxy
Summary: Everyone is lying, or no one is lying. But how can you tell when your fantasy took over your reality a long time ago? Katniss has been lying to herself ever since she and Peeta held the berries in their hands. If you promise yourself your dreams are true, how can you begin to move on? Rated T because I don't really understand the ratings.
1. Chapter 1

I rock myself back and forth on the train, my eyes raw with tears and mouth dry from screams. He's somewhere and I can't save him, I need Peeta for myself; Snow is forcing me on this tour, winners of the Quarter Quell, waiting to be reunited, me touring alone until my wedding day in the glorious Capitol. Peeta. My breath forever catching in my throat as I wait for him to engulf me in his arms and just hold me in his chest, never letting me go again, never again making me feel like this.

Haymitch is snoring opposite me, brown bubbling liquid dripping onto the plush blue carpets that absorb every spill, refusing to allow a single mark to be left. It's disgusting, pretending everything's clean. Everything is perfect when nothing is mentioned, everything is perfect when everyone lies. I release my legs gingerly standing up having not stood since sunrise, not wanting to leave where I sit and accept that I'm all alone. I walk to the window to take in the sunset, my precious golden sunset. The colours are beautiful, streaming rays in oranges and yellows into the darkening sky.  
"Peeta."  
Gentle as a whisper the word escapes my lips, almost foreign in its sound. I can rarely bring myself to say it, forever like a stabbing in my brain, a trigger that makes me want to scream. But screaming only makes it worse. Screaming only lets them tell me all the lies again. Somewhere that I can't reach Peeta is looking at this sunset, and he's waiting for me too. Each morning and each night we are together, connected by the glowing ball of light and every day I pray that he knows I'm thinking of him, that I couldn't forget him. I'll never forget to protect him because that's what we do. We protect each other. Only I can't do that now. I can't see him anymore.

Haymitch stirs, groaning as he reaches for the bottle waiting for him on the table. I've stopped trying with him after the Quarter Quell, he drinks and I just leave the next bottle for him. It's a mutual understanding that forgetting the pain of the games is crucial, because whilst the losers fall, the winners break and if Haymitch can stop that pain, I'm not going to stand in his way. I've tried drinking but it doesn't just make me forget, it makes me stop waiting for Peeta. I can't stop thinking about him because when I stop thinking I stop missing him and I get all confused, it's like he isn't a part of me anymore. Haymitch's groans grow louder and eventually he tries to stand, which leads to him rolling onto the floor, and lying face down. Finally a blemish the carpet can't conceal.

Effie's heels clicked from down the train, a mass of purple coming towards me holding those hideous cards she makes me read to the crowds. They're full of lies, lies that I don't want to say, lies about me, lies about Peeta, and lies about the games. It's all for suspense really, so that when I get to the Capitol our marriage will bring back the peace that has been lost, conceal the unrest like a blanket of snow and silence the callings for a revolution. I hate lying, pretending like I'm happy, not crying when I see the crowds filled with those who are starving when I have everything now. I'm the girl on fire turned a torch that is guiding people into a falsehood of harmony. I would protest but that would hurt Peeta, he's somewhere hidden from me within the Capital and he's right under Snow's thumb. "Katniss", she trilled, "we need to practise again; you keep dropping your vowels."

I look at her, through her, and walk down the carriage way until I reach my compartment. Behind me I can hear Effie tutting at me and whining about my sagging posture. I hate her. Haymitch sometimes slurs at me that she's only doing her job, but it's all a joke. She has no knowledge but that of walking and talking, cares about no one but herself and her darling President Snow for whom she swears by and will forever follow with blind trust.

Lying on the bed, I can almost feel Peeta's arms around me, tight and strong. I treasure the moment when there is nothing stopping my mind running away with him, his breath, his smell, his arms and touch. Everything about him can be mine and I don't have to forget him. I can still feel those kisses, from the games, from the first tour. The kiss that made me want him more than I could imagine because in that moment there was me and him and nothing else. I feel that now too, even though I'm all alone here, I know he's waiting for me and I need him, his everything. And with that I let in the dreams.

 _His face was opposite mine, holding out the berries. If someone tuned in now it would look like he was offering them to me. Our eyes were both trained on one another,_

' _three'_

' _two,' he swallowed them, his eyes hollowed and he collapsed. Wind erupted all over the arena as the berries were swept from me. I screamed, screamed and screamed and screamed. Tears cascaded down my face as I clutched his stiff, empty body. I searched, scrambling across the floor for any berries, any poison that would stop me living without him. Everything was gone, I was dragged from the floor by the metal claw, my lack of food the only thing stopping me taking his body with me. How could he? Together. We said together and he has left me, alone. How could he do that to me? Everything we have become is between two people, one team and now he left me. I want to hate him, I should hate him for leaving me in this vile, stupid world, but I can't. Only now do I know, love can come from the darkest of places._

When I wake, I decide I have to call Snow, I can reason with him, release Peeta and I'll stay in the Capitol, besides, Peeta will always be a better talker than me. I walk to the phone installed deep into the heart of the train, the dining room. I reach for the phone, listen to the soft crackle of the line and wait for a voice, Haymitch batsthe phone from my hand.

"What do you think you are doing Sweetheart?" his breath thick with the stench of alcohol filling my nose.

"I'm telling Snow that he should trade me for Peeta." It was so obvious to me that I had to do this.

He draws a heavy breath, "Sweetheart, he's dead."


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop lying to me, stop it." My screams are hollow, empty.

"Katniss, listen to me. Peeta died at the end of the first games, he died so you didn't."

"Stop lying to me, you keep lying to me. Stop it."

Haymitch shook his head, "Stop screaming, some people have twenty-five year old hangovers." I was shaking, staring past Haymitch to where the telephone swung from its cord. I can't grab for it, I'll never beat Haymitch even though he's drunk, he still eats. I'll only eat bread from District 12 and I ran out in District 10, my next stop is District 5. "Think about it Katniss, who went into the Quarter Quell with you, who died?"

"Everyone but Peeta and I."

"No, Katniss remember, remember the rules of the quell, one victor must be reaped..."

Scream, screams coming from within me, blocking any noise from Haymitch, any noise at all. My screams create a perfectly lain blanket to muffle everything, and I run. Within one step Haymitch tackles me, knocking me to the ground and then the memories I hold closely flood me.

 _ **They weren't attacking him; Johanna fired a crossbow into my hand, but she was too late and my final arrow flew into her chest. Blood seeped from the wound, soaking into the carefully designed jumpsuit that let droplets of blood trickle down her body and seep into the floor, a little whisper, faint and weak dissolved from her mouth, 'Down with the Capitol', and she went silent. Her eyes wide and lips parted.**_

" _ **We've won," he whispered, "You protected me, I didn't have to kill anyone, it was all you." His hug held me as light shot up through the arena, sparks flying as the arrow I sent hit the force field. Peeta and I crouched together, it felt like everything stopped. The ground stopped shaking and I stopped caring. Neither of us dead, neither of us prepared to kill one another. The arena sparked and cracked as it all came to an end. The dismantling began as Peeta and I got our forever after. Alone. My eyes hazed as the metal claw descended, dragging Peeta's body off of mine. A cry bubbled in my throat but there was no strength left in me.**_

"Peeta. Peeta please don't leave me."

I'm in my bed, curtains open to allow the passing wastelands to come into view, streaming in greens and browns of forbidden forests teaming with meat wasted on so many, left without hunters to savour the killings. My fingers itch for my bow, I know Peeta hates me risking my life for meat I already have but I do it for Gale, for my dad's memory. Gale doesn't see me anymore, only his mother. Forests give way to wastelands as the train enters the realms of District 5. A land alive with electricity, the sky buzzing as the tiny hairs stand perpendicularly to my skin.

"Katniss, darling, are we awake?" It is on purpose, 'we' is Peeta and I and I cannot answer for him, locked up somewhere, who knows whether he sleeps at all?

I nod, knowing she can't see me, hoping the silence would send her back to fairyland, alas she brought her fairyland into my room, dancing on her tiptoes and pointed heels. She holds the cards in her hand and out of my reach. There is no escaping and Effie had that dangerous smile that tells me she is looking forward to something. "Posture lesson, your stance is disgraceful." I sit still. Effie's fingers click and two over-sized Avoxes march in, silently raising me to my feet and pulling me until my back is stretched. Then with a flick of their hands my bed is flipped against the wall, stopping me sitting down again and not leaving me enough space to sit on the floor. Effie circles me, lips pouted and eyebrows raised. To be honest, I'm surprised her face can leave this expression the amount of surgery she appears to have had.

"Shoulders." I don't move. Effie starts raising her fingers preparing to call back the Avoxes so I pull in my shoulder blades.

"Stomach in. Head up. Legs straightened. Eyes level." I oblige, "marvellous, time for the show."

The train stops and I can see the station. Camera bulbs are already flashing as the District's Escort stands waiting to welcome Haymitch, Effie and I into her humble abode. I click down the blind plunging myself and Effie into a darkness that leads to her screeching unnecessarily, running as she leads us into the sparks of 5. As I descend down the trains stairs, millions of questions are asked, I shut my eyes waiting for the questions about my lost tribute boyfriend. I hear callings about 'bread boys' and sometimes I catch his name, but it is all lost in the callings of the crowd. Training my eyes into the ground, I push my way through them.

I am led to a platform adorned only with the mayor, peacekeepers and a microphones. Effie's carefully worded cards clutched in my hands, I read them, letting the lies fall through my teeth, praying that Peeta won't hear me.

"Thank you," my voice follows the cards as my mind escapes from me, "My thoughts all go to the fallen tributes of your District, I know your love for them will live on, your memories turned golden through their bravery and your love grown stronger through pride. They fought honourably but fell at the hands of the games. But the games will continue, strong and righteous. As a victor twice I pray you understands the meaning of the games, they humble us, show us the true power and kindness of the Capitol. Though the deaths are many they are meaningful, they are important and teach us all. Panem Today. Panem Tomorrow. Panem Forever."

The booing of the crowd echos into my head, names are tossed at me, names of the dead. Nothing I hear is about the living and I walk away. A young girl holds out flowers but her eyes are dead, disappointed. There is nothing in me left and she still hates me. The girl is only five, maybe six and she whispers, "stay away from my family, psycho." After that she is whisked away, hidden behind a wall of white shelled peacekeepers. The doors shut and then a shot. One gunshot. Everything slows as a man screams, a whimper of 'daddy no' is the only thing that comes between the two shots. I turn and between the cracks of the rotting double doors an image of the flower girl and a grown man draped over one another. Drenched in blood. I see Rue lying there, the image Peeta painted on the floor with the flowers. Everything goes dark.

 **A/N: Bit of a pointless chapter, probably need to have a proper look at how to get across the difference between reality and lies. I hope to keep going with it but I've got a busy year. If anyone as any comments please leave a review as feedback is always helpful. I've updated this to hopefully partially clarify what happened in the second quell whilst not saying everything. I will hopefully be posting a new chapter by the end of the week.**


	3. Chapter 3

I watch stunned, my mouth agape in a silent scream. That blood. Red, flowing thick blood matted in the back of the girl's head. Her father protectively draped over her frail body, in death he is still defending his little girl. Those two single gunshots cause anarchy. District 5's civilians force their way onto the stage, the mayor running past me and behind the protective wall of the peacekeepers that fire machine guns blindly into the mass of people. Cries of agony flood my ears, but the herd of people continue their charge, eventually fighting the peacekeepers guns from their hands. But the crowds not only turn the guns on the peacekeepers but to the doors that shield me. The two peacekeepers that have been standing beside me since I left the stage, lift me from the floor and drag me to the train.

Effie and Haymitch are already settled, Haymitch clutches a bottle with his lips clamped around the top, draining every drop, pushing out all the memories and making sure he doesn't have to remember anything. Effie sits opposite to him, muttering about the dangers of allowing such ill-mannered people to gather in large groups. Steadily I make my way to my room, slam the door, drag the curtains shut, and let the darkness in. The black emptiness conceals my hand from me, it's so easy to hide yourself under a veil of darkness. Lies can web themselves around you so tightly that you can't keep them from penetrating your mind.

 _Caesar Flickerman's face reflected the devastation in the audience, they all felt cheated. The love story they rooted for with such passion had been stolen from them. In front of the audience was a beautiful girl whose face was a painted picture of joy, love danced in her eyes as she looked on to the empty space next to her. She spoke silent words, her lips mouthing thanks to someone, her hand grasping at the air. Caesar Flickerman couldn't engage with her, sometimes she replied to his questions but her words would be in response to another question. She talked of a boy who saved her, a boy who she 'loves' not 'loved'. The audience was silent, watching the mess that had been created, the Capitol loved their winners but even they admitted this girl hadn't won, that she had lost something worse than the games. It was heartbreaking they said, but still they watched. Abruptly the girl stood smiling, raising her arm to the air and smiling, wildly smiling._

 _ **He sat by me and we laughed together, the interview was light and full of jest, Peeta and Caesar were sharing their usual banter and I sat sweetly smiling. The act was on, 'of course the girl from District 12 would never defy the Capitol' my smile said, 'he is the love of my life' said the grip of my hand. But my eyes told the truth, 'I cannot live without him'. I watched the crinkles by his eyes deepen as he looked towards me, the curl of his lip when he saw my smile. 'This is it' I thought, 'this is love'. I joined in the chat again, laughing and chatting like I'd met Peeta at a restaurant, not forged a relationship through the torment of a game of killing. Together we stood with our arms raised to the heavens, the audience applauded as we stood, a united winning front.**_

The darkness evaporates as light floods from my window, the next station, the next presentation, the next set of lies, four to go. Effie stopped forcing me to breakfast after I smashed sixteen plates against the wall, stabbed two knives into the mahogany table and threw the plum stew onto her dress in one sitting. It was when we left ten, when the bread from twelve ran out. She said to me, 'it's not like he could be the one making it,' so I lost it. Haymitch tried to restrain me but between his drunkenness and my effective placement of a plate to the back of his head, my rage was allowed to continue. I was so afraid she was right, that was the first time it had occurred to me that Snow had the power to kill Peeta, to destroy me.

I go through the motions of the arrival process, the photos, the questions, and the entrance to the stage. I start the speech again, ""Thank you, my thoughts all go to the fallen tributes of your District, and I know your love for them will live on..."

A cry breaks from the crowds of Four, "For Gale." Instantly a banner is unravelled, its message written in crimson red, 'We kill for the one who held up his arms'. As I finish reading the final word, I catch a glimpse of a white peacekeeper gun in the hands of a man in the crowds and for the second day in a row, I hear a gunshot. People say that when you are in danger time goes slowly, but in this moment everything actually speeds up, the pulsing pain in my arm hits me so fast I fall back. Only for a second can I feel the dampness of the blood as it creates a puddle around my wound, overflowing from the flimsy fabric of my shirt. The crowd cheer, celebrating the fall of the mighty. Two wins in consecutive games creates the ultimate Victor to the Capitol, the perfect game piece for Snow, the most hideous enemy to the families. Lying there I felt helpless, empty. Knowing Peeta could be seeing this made it worse. I must look so weak, pathetic. It takes one bullet to strip away all the pretence and show everyone that every tribute is only a child. Every tribute only ever did what they did because they had to. Every tribute can be forgiven once you see their innocence, every single tribute but me.

 _Peeta lies on the floor of the arena, his eyes open, still with the same expression as when he swallowed the berries, love. It makes me sick, he is dead yet he hasn't lived. I know his body will be taken to our home and buried in a discreet service where no one will mention how avoidable his death was but I just can't accept it. But as I hang from the hovercraft I imagine, just for one second, that he sits up and from nowhere a hovercraft picks him up and that he laughs at how gullible I am. Just for that second I'm happy. I'm still in love with a living man, and I don't want the moment end._

 **A/N: I'm hoping I've explained this a bit better. I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted but I am going to try and post more. I really like this story but I don't know whether it is coming across as the image I have in my head. Just to clarify, the bold italics is what happened according to Katniss, normal italics is what actually happened (the last paragraph is what actually happened crossed with what Katniss did to her head so I just went for normal italics).**


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